Sadness

I am always greatly affected when I hear of someone that I once knew, respected and loved, dying. I lie in bed and think of their families and how they found them or the last time they spoke to them or how there is just this empty body taking up space in this world that once held something so sacred. And I cry. It is only for a night or two and then life carries on and I cannot believe it has happened and I go on to enjoy the moments of my life. Then I forget till another comes along. It is a strange feeling. I lie there feeling really light and almost like I could float away but then the tears hold me down. I no longer feel blood flowing through my veins but tears.

It is not like when I lose somebody I dearly love and was close to. Two years ago, when my grandma died, I felt like I could not breathe. I would cry myself to sleep at night for more than a week and even fall apart doing simple things like getting dressed. Abraham would have to just hold me till I stopped.

I am just praying for the Anders family right now. That they will be able to breathe.

Life's Notes is now the place where you can catch up on the news from Sara, Abraham and Ellie! Not that there is much to read but whatever happens, it will happen here first. You can track Ellie's progress and milestones, Sara's dreams and rants and Abraham's crazy ideas for taking over the world... I mean making the world a better place!

Come back soon and see what is new!

Mystery of Charles Darwin...

I find it interesting to find that Charles Darwin did not consider himself an atheist but an agnostic! "I have never been an atheist in the sense of denying the existence of a God. – I think that generally ... an agnostic would be the most correct description of my state of mind." (Wikipedia) He really struggled with understanding God and his allowing suffering. It is quite understandable since I have known many (including myself) who deal with those doubts and questions often. I would really have liked to meet him and understand him better. He is very misunderstood by believers and non-believers alike.

Abraham's POV

Sara and I have been at Tucson Medical Center since 12:00 this morning. She is doing great and while everything was progressing slowly, the midwife says it will be about an hour or so before the baby is born. I'm excited! I'm freaked out!

I came home from a 12 hour shift and the contractions began to kick up a little. I have not slept very much. I have been up for about 25 hours now with only a 15 minute nap. I'm freaking hungry!

Peace out for now! Next time Sara writes on this blog we'll be parents!

Panic Sets In!

I am now officially, completely freaked out! My sister-in-law had her baby last Monday and it made it very real that this will happen any day now. We were due only 4 weeks apart and I'll be 37 weeks on Saturday. Many people have told me not to worry and that I will make a good parent, but at this point I am not so much worried about being a good parent as I am about pushing something so large out of something so small.

Before I got pregnant, I thought it was pretty crazy and miraculous that our bodies could make another human being. But now that it has happened to me I just think it is bizarre, miraculous yes, but still very bizarre. The feeling and seeing my stomach move, that there is a human being in there that shares the DNA of me and my husband, that it will come out and grow up to be another separate human being that will grow old and have babies too. It just blows my mind. It makes me wonder how atheists can be pregnant and not believe in God. It's just too perfect to be random.

Holy Crap.

I just went to my blog and I noticed my countdown to when the baby is due. I guess I haven't really looked at it much lately and I just realized it is in 38 days! I keep thinking of how it is in 5 1/2 weeks and it feels so long but when I look at how many days, I just have to say it again. Holy Crap! And she could come in as many as 17 days and not be considered a preemie. Again, Holy Crap!

PS Sorry for all the Holy Craps. It just blows my mind!

Insecurity rears it's ugly head!

I hate how insecure I can be. I went to a high school graduation this Friday and was reminded of that. You know those kids who get those huge roaring applauses and then the ones who get the customary smattering of applause? I was the one who got the customary smattering of applause in high school. I know that I could have been more involved and been known more but it was not in my nature to stand out. I had a kid who was in at least one of my classes every year and we would have conversations, but even in my senior year, he still could not remember my name. That was who I was in high school. And I hated it.

This weekend, I had my baby shower in Tucson. We had a barbecue at a park with families (not just women) invited and when we were planning it, my sister in laws were nervous that it was going to get rather large. They apparently need not have bothered to worry. And I feel like such a jerk that I seem so ungrateful to the ones who did come, but all I can feel is hurt, or something I can't quite explain, for the people who did not show up. I know that many people had stuff to do which I can understand, but then there are those that did not even bother. Ones that I thought I mattered to but come to find out, I do not. I know that I am not angry but more like hurt. It makes me feel like I do not matter or the celebration of my child does not matter. And I don't like this feeling and that it matters to me. It is probably just the hormones talking and I will probably look back at this posting later after the baby is born and laugh at myself for being so insecure. Laugh at this feeling reminiscent of high school. I can't wait for that day!