Insecurity rears it's ugly head!

I hate how insecure I can be. I went to a high school graduation this Friday and was reminded of that. You know those kids who get those huge roaring applauses and then the ones who get the customary smattering of applause? I was the one who got the customary smattering of applause in high school. I know that I could have been more involved and been known more but it was not in my nature to stand out. I had a kid who was in at least one of my classes every year and we would have conversations, but even in my senior year, he still could not remember my name. That was who I was in high school. And I hated it.

This weekend, I had my baby shower in Tucson. We had a barbecue at a park with families (not just women) invited and when we were planning it, my sister in laws were nervous that it was going to get rather large. They apparently need not have bothered to worry. And I feel like such a jerk that I seem so ungrateful to the ones who did come, but all I can feel is hurt, or something I can't quite explain, for the people who did not show up. I know that many people had stuff to do which I can understand, but then there are those that did not even bother. Ones that I thought I mattered to but come to find out, I do not. I know that I am not angry but more like hurt. It makes me feel like I do not matter or the celebration of my child does not matter. And I don't like this feeling and that it matters to me. It is probably just the hormones talking and I will probably look back at this posting later after the baby is born and laugh at myself for being so insecure. Laugh at this feeling reminiscent of high school. I can't wait for that day!

Abraham wrote this a few weeks after we found out we were pregnant.

I think I saw a double line! -she said with a trembling voice.
- You are kidding? Let me see. You are kidding? - I frantically wanted to know if there was a double line or not.
She put her hand out and we both witnessed, then and there, a double line indicating a positive on the home pregnancy test but just to make sure we would take another one the next day. To be even more certain we would go to the Women's Pregnancy Center a few days later and just to be even more certain we would go back to the WPC to get a sonogram of a very young fetus growing inside of her.
A few weeks before we were rejoicing over my brother and his wife with the news that they were going to be parents for the first time. At that time we had also found out that we had had a false pregnancy or a very early miscarriage. We would never know what happened during those weeks after our first positive pregnancy test but this time it was for real.
During our last visit to the pregnancy center I marveled at God's work. Having spent time studying the human heart I could not help but wonder about how intricate those 4 tiny chambers were. As soon as the nurse pointed out the location of the baby I saw its heart. I saw a little twinkling light beating at least one hundred times per minute and my heart wanted to match that beat. The nurse printed the first photo of our baby which I now framed and see every day before I go to work.
I always wondered how old I would be and what I would be doing when I became a dad. I never imagined it like this but when Sara and I began talking about it I knew I was ready. I don't feel ready but the fact that I am quite scared about being a dad makes me think that after all I am ready to take on one of the most importan roles of my life. I am scared because I know the seriousness of it therefore I will not let my guard down and I know what is expected of me as a father.
Our baby is due to be born in the middle of July and I am anxiously waiting. I'm trying my best to be fit for my baby so I can live a longer life for him/her. I am trying to be a better man, a better citizen and a better follower of Jesus so I can be an example for my son/daugter. I can't wait to hold my baby in my arms and even though I know the first months are going to suck with the sleepless nights and all that, I can't wait for that either.